Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
