Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
