He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
