My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
