Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
