I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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