Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
