my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Im part way to drunk.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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