I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
