one might say we're banned from that church
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
