I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
