there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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