and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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