If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
