I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
