Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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