i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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