Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
