I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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