Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
