I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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