Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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