I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
