You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
