There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize