I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
