u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
