The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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