I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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