Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
