a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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