I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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