I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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