I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize