so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
