There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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