I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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