I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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