please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
