Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
