hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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