Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
