I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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