Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
