I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
