I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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