I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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