There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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