i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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