he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
