You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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