is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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