I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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