the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
