your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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