Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
