ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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