best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
