Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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