Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize